Maude McDaniel, Columnist
Every so often there are questions I ask myself that I simply cannot answer. These may concern the deepest meanings of what it is to be part of our vast teaming planet of life — or maybe not.
If I have asked these questions before, please forgive me. Sometimes the moment of inquiry strikes twice, mainly because most of these questions never seem to get resolved. If you do have the answers, please identify the column in question. I never remember from one to the next what I’ve been talking about.
1. On a cold day, when all the pigeons are out there flocking together on their communal electric lines, do they know each other personally? I mean, when one flies up and perches next to another, do they say the pigeon equivalent of, like, “Hi, Bill.” “Hey, Josh.” “Rotten day.” “You said it, buddy.” Or are they perching next to perfect strangers?
I mean, how much personality does one pigeon have compared to the next that would distinguish him from the guy down the line? Still, surely all that time together on the lines and in the air should lead to some sort of familiarity, at least to the point of “Hey, here’s that guy I bumped into yesterday when he didn’t follow the rest of the flock in that right turn toward CSX.” And that’s ignoring the fact that some of them must be relatives too. Okay, I’ve convinced myself: they do know each other personally. It gives me a whole new outlook on those huge congregations of pigeons on the lines down by Wendy’s and out near the Save-a-Lot. They’re not just bunches of really cold birds; they’re communities of friends and neighbors facing the hard times together.
2. Why does anyone order softshell crabs? The ones I’ve had all tasted like low-quality plywood. I may be missing something but I’ve had it with crabs that suddenly grew up in the skillet.
3. Am I a cannibal because I bite my fingernails? Or only if I swallow the bits? (I try not to; does that help morally?)
4. Is there anything more annoying than rock singers who wear huge crosses — or even small ones — while making music that even people who aren’t religious should be ashamed to listen to? I’m sure rock music lovers will have some defense of this, but I haven’t heard one yet that puts up a good argument for the practice.
5. And speaking of modern music, what is it with “covers?” If I’ve got it right, “covers” are songs musicians sing that they didn’t write themselves, and, deep down underneath, there seems to be a little bit of a stigma attached to this custom. Hello? I grew up singing covers, and, if you think it is shameful to be singing Bach and Mozart and Mendelssohn, we live in different worlds. Anyway, the fact that so many moderns write their own music probably accounts for the fact that no one will be singing any of it a hundred years from now.
6. Why do certain breeds of dogs still have to have their tails docked? Perhaps there was some argument for it back in the days when dogs worked for a living, and lots of hairy tails weaving in the breeze attracted burrs and other unwelcome customers. But pet dogs need their tails. I had a cocker spaniel who mysteriously avoided the customary tail docking process his breed undergoes, and he had a beautiful one — long and plumy, and capable of expressing all his emotions of the moment. Cut off a dog’s tail and you cut off his ability to communicate to his fullest ability — and most of the dogs I’ve known need all the help they can get, at least communicating with people. Not because they are stupid, of course. Not the dogs, I mean.
7. Okay, here’s where the letters start coming in. (That’s if the rock music part of this column doesn’t inspire a heated response first.) This time I’m raging about square fingernails. I’ve seen them on television, and, folks, they are awful. They look like 10 little shovels on the ends of your fingers. Now I realize that the newest generations always have to distinguish themselves from the ones that have passed, and it’s getting harder and harder to think up anything new. Even tongue rings and tattoos are old stuff nowadays. But I think you did it this time, kids. Just don’t expect me to think they are attractive — even to other little shovels.
8. Why do our newspapers go along with Al Qaeda and the Taliban, by reporting that they “take responsibility” for human massacres they have cold-bloodedly chosen to bring about? Instead, newspapers should report that they “take the blame.” The word “responsibility” implies a level of concern, rationality, and accountability that is simply missing among terrorists, by any definition.
9. Is it ethical to use name labels, calenders, and holiday wrapping paper that you do not in any way, shape, or form, pay for? Especially considering the huge numbers of this sort of thing you get in the mail nowadays? I won’t waste much time on this one. The answer is “yes.” It is perfectly ethical to use anything without payment that any charity sends out to you without your permission. And if it makes them think twice before sending out still more — yes, yes, yes!
Maude McDaniel is a Cumberland freelance writer. Her column appears on alternate Sundays in the Times-News.
