Maude McDaniel, Columnist
It’s that time of the year, and a Happy One to you too. Unfortunately, I’m busy thinking of other things. (Like 27 for dinner!) That seems like a good excuse for a joke column, so here are some of the best — since my last joke column of Thanksgiving 2008..
A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck. “Where’s Henry?” the others asked. “Henry had a stroke of some kind. He’s a couple of miles back up the trail,” the successful hunter replied. “You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?” they inquired. “A tough call,” nodded the hunter. “But I figured no one is going to steal Henry!”
A man in Jacksonville calls his son in San Diego two days before Thanksgiving and says, “I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing. Forty-five years of misery is enough.” “Pop, what are you talking about?” the son screams. “We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer,” the father says. “We’re sick of each other, and I’m sick of talking about this.” “I’m going to call my sister right away,” yells the son. “We’ll see about this!” The old man hangs up the phone. “It’s okay,” says the old man to his wife. “They’re coming for Thanksgiving.”
A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother, “Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today.” The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. “That’s interesting,” she said, “how do you make babies?” “It’s simple,” replied the girl. “You just change ‘y’ to ‘i’ and add ‘es’.”
Working as a pediatric nurse, I had the difficult assignment of giving immunization shots to children. One day I entered the examining room to give 4-year-old Lizzie her needle. “No, no, no!’” she screamed. “Lizzie,” scolded her mother, “that’s not polite behavior.” With that, the girl yelled even louder, “No, thank you! No, thank you!”
In 1988, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University. On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee, inspected the elephant’s foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.
Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day. Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenage son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to where Peter and his son Cameron were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, and then put it down. The elephant did that several times, then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.
Remembering the encounter in 1988, Peter could not help wondering if this was the same elephant. Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing, and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter’s legs and smashed the heck out of him against the railing, killing him instantly. Probably wasn’t the same elephant.
Little Johnnie’s neighbor had a baby. Unfortunately, it was born without ears. When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnnie’s family was invited over to see it. Before they left their house, Little Johnnie’s dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears. He also told him that, if he so much as mentioned anything about the baby’s ears, he would get the smacking of his life when they came back home.
Little Johnnie told his dad he understood completely. When Johnnie looked in the crib, he said, “What a beautiful baby.” The mother said, “Why, thank you, Little Johnnie.” Johnnie said, “He has beautiful little feet, and beautiful little hands, a cute nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see?” “Yes,” said the mother. “We are so happy. The doctor says he will have 20/20 vision.” “That’s good,” said Little Johnnie. “Because he’d really be screwed if he had to wear glasses.”
My memory’s not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory’s not as sharp as it used to be.
Maude McDaniel is a Cumberland freelance writer. Her column appears in the Times-News on alternate Sundays.
