O’Toole worked in the lumber yard for 20 years, and all that time he had been stealing the wood and selling it. At last, his conscience began to bother him, and he went to confession to repent.
“Father,” he said, “it’s been 25 years since my last confession, and I’ve been stealing wood from the lumber yard all that time.”
The priest said, “ I understand, my son. Can you make a Novena?” O’Toole said, “Father, if you have the plans, I’ve got the lumber.”
A married couple was asleep, when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. The wife (OK, folks, in the name of equal time, we’re going to make her a brunette) picked it up, listened a moment, and said, “How should I know? That’s 200 miles from here!” and hung up. The husband said, “Who was that?” The wife said, “I don’t know. Some woman wanting to know if the coast was clear.”
Read that one over again, because it’s more subtle than it looks!
And with my apologies to blondes everywhere (including one daughter) I just can’t resist including these “blonde” jokes: A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry. She takes a gun out of her purse and puts it to her head. The boyfriend yells, “No, honey, don’t do it” The blonde replies, “Shut up, you’re next!”
A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly says, “Go ahead, and ask me. I know all of them.” A friend says, “OK, what’s the capital of Wisconsin?” The blonde replies, “Oh, that’s easy: ‘W.’ “
What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant? “Is it mine?”
I’ve sure gotten old! I’ve had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes, I’m half blind, can’t hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
I have poor circulation, can hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. I can’t remember if I’m 85 or 92. I’ve lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver’s license.
A Sunday School teacher said to her children, “We have been learning how powerful kings and queens were in Bible times. But there is a Higher Power. Can anybody tell me what’s it is.” A child in the front row said, “Aces!”
Bubba’s pregnant sister was in a car accident that caused her to be in a deep coma. After nearly six months, she awakens and sees that she is no longer pregnant. Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.
The doctor replies, “You had twins — a boy and a girl. The babies are fine. Your brother came in and named them.” The woman thinks to herself, “Oh, no, not Bubba!” Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, “Well, what’s the girl’s name?” “Denise,” the doctor answers. The new mother thinks, “Wow, I like that name — maybe I’ve been too hard on Bubba.” So then she asks the doctor, “And what’s the boy’s name?” The doctor answers, “Denephew.”
Sorry, if you’re not, but I’m a pushover for puns. Good ones and bad ones. An assortment follows:
Police were called to a day care center where a 3-year-old was resisting a rest. The dead batteries were given out free of charge. A bicycle can’t stand alone because it is two tired. A will is a dead giveaway. A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered. A lot of money is tainted: “T’aint yours, and ‘t’aint mine.”
A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, “I’m sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.”
And finally, a woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to Spain, they name him “Juan”; the other goes to a family in Egypt and is named “Ahmal.”
Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, “They’re twins! If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Ahmal.”
Happy Thanksgiving!
Maude McDaniel is a Cumberland freelance writer: Her column appears on alternate Sundays in the Times-News.
Maude McDaniel - Living
Kings and queens must bow to them
- Maude McDaniel - Living
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Ordinary things can be the most amazing
When you live in this world — not that I have any experience in any other one yet — you come across absolutely amazing things that don’t amaze you.
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Rusty takes over with his doggy wisdom
They say the world is going to the dogs.
If only! -
There are eggs, and there are Easter eggs
Today, I want to talk about — eggs. Good subject for Easter, right? But have you ever wondered how eggs, well, happen? How do they form so perfectly, with the shell always on the outside and the stuff so flawlessly contained inside.
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The signs of old age never seem to stop
Well, I’ve satisfied your intense curiosity about chopsticks, and playing cards, and such, which means I can get back to my favorite topic these days — how to know when you’re getting old.
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A sense of humor makes life easier
This may not be a secret — but I love laughing.
As far as I am concerned, a sense of humor transforms life from something that has to be gotten through grudgingly, just because you happened to be born and have no other choice, into an opportunity for joy, if only for a moment here and there. -
You’ve heard it before, but things are worse
Hey, I’ve been pretty good-natured lately, and it’s a strain on me. Considering my age (very old) and the state of the world (very bad), you must be amazed at my self-control in the last few months. I don’t remember saying anything good about the music or the electronics or the morals of our culture in recent columns — but I have carefully tried not to bash them. Well, not too much.
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History of chopsticks and related subjects
Now there are some big questions in life, like where did we come from, and even bigger questions in life, like where are we going? Today, however, I prefer to talk about chopsticks.
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Wondering? Here’s how cards began
Just in the last few years, I have become quite the cardplayer .My father would be amazed, because he would not allow me or my brothers to play cards (with the regular cardfaces) when we were growing up. We were, however, allowed to play other games that had cards of their own, like Touring and Flinch.
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By now, we should know all the answers
Here I had expected that, by the time I reached this advanced age, I would know all the answers there were to know, or maybe even more. But apparently it was not to be, for, lo and behold, I seem to have still more questions lining up, like all those thousands of blackbirds on the lines in front of the M&T Bank on Industrial Boulevard.
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Here are a few laughs to start the new year
Nothing’s better to start out a new year with than jokes! Even if they are other people’s jokes. And some of these are not so much laugh out loud, as just wry observations on the world. But then that’s what the best humor is often about!
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Ordinary things can be the most amazing
