Just take everything with a grain of it

Maude McDaniel, Columnist

You know why old people suffer from high blood pressure?

It’s all that salt.

You know salt.

It’s the stuff that, the older you get, the more you take everything with a grain of it.

I could write a column every week on the number of things I have learned to take with a grain of salt in the last half century. And that’s kind of sad, when you think about it, because one joy of being human (and young) is that you tend to want to believe everything in life, or anyway in America, is honest and sincere and straight-forward.

At least, that was true when I was young. In those days, most of us young folks were Anne Franks, who, against all the evidence, believed that everyone was good at heart. Nowadays, the young are more apt to be born ironic, sarcastic, and very very worldly-wise, and that’s a shame. It means they can’t enjoy the perks of getting old — they’re born that way. And all of it without the ability, as many old folks have learned to do, of being able to keep two opposing ideas in one’s mind at the same time, without obvious conflict. And smile ruefully while doing it.

Of course, I take a lot of the public government and political activity these days with a grain of salt — more like carloads -- but I am not going to go there now. I will say, however, that the current cost of gas, with its (mostly) ups, and downs, calls for at least a cupful. That includes not just the Middle Eastern oil producers, but also Western oil and gas companies with their huge profits, and the speculators who make financial killings by driving up the stock prices on any given day.

I don’t think it includes local gasoline retailers, but I can’t say the same for other retail outlets around town — and the country. There are two schools of thought about the advantage some of them have over their competitors, and also about the compensation they provide their employees. However, specifically, I am talking here about the sales. My gosh, the sales! Some have sales every week, and they advertise them as if each one is the sale of the year! My grain of salt here dreams back to the days when there were maybe two sales a year — one after Christmas, and one at the end of summer. In each case, the idea was to get rid of the old seasonal merchandise and bring out the new — and there was no funny business involved.

I don’t believe slogans much anymore either, but at least they got rid of “We do it all for you.” I’m a little dubious that “Great milk comes from happy cows,” but I like the commercials. I find it hard to believe too that you can whiten your teeth for years without damaging the enamel.

I do not believe celebrity confers genius.

I never forward emails that threaten me with eternal punishment if I don’t send them on to 10 friends.

I do not believe Animal Planet should run so many shows (Killing for a Living, Raw Nature, etc.) that, from their commercials, appear to emphasize animals dying or being killed. Surely they appeal mostly to the human types who, as children, start their criminal careers by torturing defenseless creatures.

And I do not believe you should buy new bed pillows every six months.

Especially there are two things I always take with just a grain of salt, or maybe half a grain to preserve idealism. You hear them everywhere, especially at graduation time, and I am beginning to get really tired of them.

The first is, “Live in the moment.” Yeah, sure, and don’t bother to pay your bills either. (The only people I ever knew who really lived in the moment had Alzheimer’s.)

The second is that ancient and widespread admonition to the young: “You can be anything you want to be!”

Oh, come on, folks.

First of all, because hardly anybody ever adds (except maybe at graduations — I will give them credit for that) “ ... if you are willing to work hard enough.” But there is another vital corollary too, which you never hear: “ ... and even then it might not happen, because of just plain bad luck, or circumstances, or the facts of life. In which case, be flexible and graceful, do the right thing, and keep on working hard and loving others.”

A 1928 limerick by Charles Inge appeared recently in Colbert J. King’s recent Washington Post column. It certainly dealt ironically with this persistent idea of the power of positive thinking now repackaged as The Secret. That’s the idea, preached by many, that all you have to do to be successful is to imagine yourself successful.

“This remarkable man / Commends a most practical plan / You can do what you want / If you don’t think you can’t/ So don’t think you can’t think you can.”

Quick, get out the Morton’s!

Maude McDaniel is a Cumberland freelance writer. Her column appears on alternate Sundays in the Times-News.