As soon as I got up this morning, I knew it was going to be a bad day. Every time I threw something in the waste basket, I missed.

That’s always a tip-off right there.

So, for the New Year, I’m letting the column write itself. Here are some jokes, mostly fresh from the Internet, that you may have missed.

• A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. After the game, he asked her how she liked it. “Oh, it was great.” she replied, “especially the tight pants and all the big muscles. But I just couldn’t understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents.”

Dumbfounded, her date asked, “What do you mean?” “Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: ‘Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!’ I’m like ... Helloooooo? It’s only 25 cents!”

• Why do you have to “put your two cents in,” but it’s only “a penny for your thoughts?” Where’s that extra penny going?

• Three old ladies sat in a diner, chatting about various things. One lady says, “You know, I’m getting really forgetful. This morning I was standing at the top of the stairs, and I couldn’t remember whether I had just come up or was about to go down.”

The second old lady said, “You think that’s bad. The other day I was sitting on the edge of my bed and I couldn’t remember whether I was getting up or going to bed.”

The third old lady smiled smugly. “Well, my memory is just as good as it’s always been, knock on wood,” she said as she rapped on the table. Then looking around startled, she asked, “Who’s there?”

• If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

• A couple lived near the ocean and walked the beach a lot. One summer they noticed a girl with a travel bag who would approach people, then speak to them, and show them something in her hand. Generally the people would respond negatively, but occasionally someone would nod and there would be a quick exchange of money for something out of her bag.

The couple assumed she was selling drugs, and debated calling police, but they didn’t know, so they just continued to watch her.. Finally, the wife said, “Honey, have you ever noticed that she only goes up to people with boomboxes and electronic devices? Tomorrow I want you to get a towel and our big radio and go out and lie on the beach. Then we can find out what she’s really doing.”

The plan went off without a hitch. The girl came up to him, they talked awhile, and, when he came back, the wife could hardly wait to find out the truth.

“Well, is she selling drugs?” she asked excitedly.

“No, she’s not.”

“Well, what is it then? What does she do?”

“She’s a battery salesperson.”

“A battery salesperson?”

“Yes. She sells C cells by the seashore.”

• Why do people say they slept like a baby, when babies wake up every two hours?

• Three women go to an undesignated primitive country to celebrate their college graduation, and get carried away celebrating. Next morning they wake up in jail., to find out that they are to be executed in the morning.

The redhead is strapped into the electric chair, and asked for her last words. She says, “I just graduated from Trinity Bible College, and I believe that the Power of the Almighty will intervene on behalf of the innocent.” They throw the switch, and nothing happens. They all immediately fall to their knees, beg for forgiveness, and release her.

The brunette is strapped in, and gives her last words. “I just graduated from Harvard Law School, and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on behalf of the innocent.” They throw the switch and, again, nothing happens. They all immediately fall to their knees, beg for forgiveness, and release her.

The last one, a blonde (We knew that, didn’t we?) is also strapped in and asked for her last words. She says, “Well, I just graduated from Louisiana State University with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I’ll tell y’all right now, y’all ain’t gonna electrocute nobody if you don’t plug this thing in.”

• Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

• A man running a red light had a fender bender with a woman who was driving on the green light. They both pulled over to the side of the road and the man got out of the car and strutted over to the other car. He was so really, really short, the woman could hardly believe her eyes.

But he was mad. “I — am — NOT — happy!” he bellowed at her.

She couldn’t resist.

“Well, which one are you?” she asked.

• What disease did cured ham actually have?

Maude McDaniel is a Cumberland freelance writer. Her column appears on alternate Sundays in the Times-News.