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Hot weather means joke time, so here are the latest good ones, from my joke bank. (And thanks to all my e-mail friends who make regular deposits there.)
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A man rushed into a busy doctor’s surgery and shouted, “Doctor, I think I’m shrinking.!” The doctor calmly responded, “Now settle down. You’ll just have to be a little patient.”
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A mature (over 70) lady gets pulled over for speeding.
ML: “Is there a problem, Officer?”
Officer: “Ma,am, you were speeding. Can I see your license please?”
ML: “Sure, but I don’t have one. I lost it four years ago for drunk driving.”
Officer: “OK. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?”
ML: “Sorry, I can’t do that?”
Officer: “You can’t do that?’
ML: “I stole this car.”
Officer: “You stole it?”
ML: “Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner too.”
Officer: “You what?”
ML: “His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.”
The officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for backup. Within minutes, five police cars circle the scene. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half-drawn gun.
Officer 2: “Ma’am, could you step out of your vehicle please!” “The woman steps out.
ML: “Is there a problem, officer?”
Officer 2: “One of my officers told me you have stolen this car and murdered the owner. Please open the trunk of your car.”
ML opens the trunk revealing that it is empty.
Officer 2: “Is this your car, ma’am?”
ML: “Yes, here are my papers.”
The officer is stunned. “My officer told me you do not have a driving license.”
Officer 2 examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: “Thank you Ma’am. My officer told me you didn’t have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.”
ML: “Bet the liar told you I was speeding too.”
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The latest survey shows that three out of four people make up 75 per cent of the population.
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A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.
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You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
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So did you hear about the dyslexic insomniac agnostic? He stayed awake all night wondering if there really was a dog.
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A blonde and her husband are lying in bed, listening to the next door neighbor’s dog. It has been in the backyard barking for hours. The blonde jumps out of bed and says, “I’ve had enough of this.” She goes downstairs. When she finally comes back, her husband says, “The dog is still barking. What have you been doing?” The blonde says, “I put the dog in our backyard. Let’s see how THEY like it.!”
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Here’s Gracie Allen’s recipe for roast beef (For my reader who is out of it, Gracie Allen was a comedian of the 1930s and 1940s.) “You buy one large and one small beef roast. Put in the oven. When the small one is burned, the large one is done.” (She may have been the first blonde.)
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If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.
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And here are some goodies, said to be from Will Rogers (Do I really need to tell you that he was one of the most outstanding humorists of the early 20th century?) Never squat while wearing your spurs. Never slap a man while he’s chewing tobacco. When you are dissatisfied and want to go back to your youth — remember algebra.
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Johnny kept copying Jimmy’s test answers in school, until one day he was caught. Jimmy had written, “I don’t know the answer.” Johnny wrote, “Neither do I.”
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A book for parents about dealing with modern teenagers: “Get out of my life, But first will you take Cheryl and me to the mall?”
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Billy didn’t want to go to school until his mother reminded him that he was the principal.
Maude McDaniel is a Cumberland freelance writer. Her column appears on alternate Sundays in the Times-News.
Maude McDaniel - Living
Some cool jokes for this hot weather
- Maude McDaniel - Living
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We’re all entitled to change our minds
After so many (guess) years of living in the world we live in, a person’s gotta think a little differently about life than she used to. Even if you don’t agree with my new way of seeing things, at least it’s an interesting change.
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Welcome the cicadas when they show up
They’re beautiful. Honest they are. They look a little like earthbound Monarch butterflies, the same gold accents against a dark background., with a touch of white to set them off. Of course, they don’t fly like butterflies, exactly. But they have other things to do in their time above ground.
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Feed your memories before they’re used up
Here’s what I’m worrying about this week: the modern pollution of early memory. Don’t get it? Well, that’s why I’m writing this article.
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The longer I live, the less I can tolerate
The older you get the lower your tolerance level sinks. I may have written about these before, but nothing has changed so I’m going to try to change the world again.
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So many things she doesn’t understand
At my age, I hate to admit it — but there is so much in this world that I — still — don’t understand.
People who don’t care about Monarch butterflies, for instance. -
Each of us has our good and bad times
Life is full of ups and downs — and that’s a good thing. Of course, most of us would prefer ups to downs, but life sees it differently, so we get our share of each. I remember two incidents in my past that balance each other — both happened in school, although I was a child for the one and an adult for the other. As I remember, I preferred the up to the down.
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Getting used to some things takes an effort
Not too long ago I wrote a column oozing with self-control, in which I mentioned several developments in life that it wouldn’t kill me to get used to. In the interests of equal time, today I have to write about certain developments in this world that I doubt I will ever get used to .
Like tattoos, for instance. -
Each of them found a Spot in her heart
Inspired by the Westminster Dog Show, I decided to write about my dogs. You already know I have had eight of them but you tend not to know who they are so I will enlighten you. No column was ever wasted writing about dogs!
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It wouldn’t kill her to do it differently
It’s taken me 80-some years to admit this, but, you know, there are some things I do that it wouldn’t kill me of if I stopped doing them one of these days.
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Here’s all you wanted to know about tails
Okay, here’s something I have wondered about for a long time.
Why do animals have tails? - More Maude McDaniel - Living Headlines
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We’re all entitled to change our minds
