Call me Rusty.
I’m emailing you because, even if we haven’t met yet, I am the dog you are thinking about adopting.
Yeah, ruff, isn’t it? I know you decided that Lexie would be your last dog, and she still may be. And I know that you feel a sense of loyalty to her that no other dog can really just take over and apply to himself, like flea powder, or something.
Rowll, I’m not putting any pressure on you, you know. I am endearing and delightful and darling, but don’t let that influence you, although they all begin with “d” (or close) and that stands for “dog.”
And I have heard that you said that you would never have another dog unless one showed up at your door with a sign in its mouth saying, “I need a home.” Guess what?
Here I am on DogSpace. See the sign in my mouth?
The thing is: My current companion is great, but he has some other dogs that are really alpha over me, and so I can’t stay with him. So, here’s the deal: I show up, see? You don’t even have to come get me. I walk in the door, and you see me for the first time, and to see me is to fall in love with me, right?
That’s not so hard, now, is it? It’s happened for you with a lot of other dogs, hasn’t it? Namely seven, or so I’m told. Oh, I’ve done my homework, I have. I even know their names: Spot, Jeep, Blitzie, Ginger, Blitzie Too, Piper, and Lexie. And from what I’ve heard you loved them all. Now, what’s so hard about feeling that way about me? I promise, I will be adorable.
My needs are simple: plenty of food, a place to get rid of it, and a bed to sleep in at night. Preferably yours. Well, now, I’ve heard Lexie never slept in your bed, only under it, but Lexie, I hear, was a big girl, and I’m just a small boy, sort of, and don’t take up much room. To begin with. Not until early morning anyway, when the light outside gets a little scary.
Now, I’ve heard you are — well, how can I say this? — a golden-ager, but I like yellow, really, I do. Some of the nicest dogs I’ve ever known were yellow (like Lexie, I believe) and I wouldn’t hold it against you, honest.
I’m 10 years old, in dog years, which means I like to run around a bit, but I hear your back yard is fenced in, so that should be okay. And here’s something I don’t quite understand. I heard my companion say that I wasn’t fixed, and I don’t know what he was talking about, but I can tell you this — if you let me come and live with you, that will fix me up right away and you won’t have to worry about it anymore.
I’ll even make you some promises. I promise not to bark at the mailman or the milkman. (That one should be easy because someone told me that there are no mailmen or milkmen any more.) But even beyond that, I promise to only use my indoor voice when the Fed-Ex man comes to the door. Now that’s an offer you can’t refuse.
And I will protect you from all flying insects and mice and squirrels — cross my heart. (I am especially good on those little devils, flies — just suck them out of the air — you should see me — ! Well, okay, later.)
I’ve heard you don’t do walks, and I really wish you would reconsider that, but with the fenced-in yard, I guess I’m good. I’m not keen on thunder, so keep a blanket handy, to throw over me when it gets bad. And I do like entertainment, preferably a flat screen TV, and a comfy place to lie and enjoy it. Your lap is fine — just don’t wear scratchy clothes please.
Here’s a last thing to think about, Mom. (May I call you Mom, please? I have not even seen you and already you look like a mom. My mom!) Anyway, keep this in mind when you’re deciding. It should show you how much I really want to be your dog.
And I promise: I’ll keep my cell phone turned off, except when you’re away,
Is it a deal?
High fives, then.
(Or, in my case, fours.)
Maude McDaniel is a Cumberland freelance writer. Her column appears on alternate Sundays in the Times-News.
Maude McDaniel - Living
The modern dog is looking for a home
- Maude McDaniel - Living
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Ordinary things can be the most amazing
When you live in this world — not that I have any experience in any other one yet — you come across absolutely amazing things that don’t amaze you.
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Rusty takes over with his doggy wisdom
They say the world is going to the dogs.
If only! -
There are eggs, and there are Easter eggs
Today, I want to talk about — eggs. Good subject for Easter, right? But have you ever wondered how eggs, well, happen? How do they form so perfectly, with the shell always on the outside and the stuff so flawlessly contained inside.
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The signs of old age never seem to stop
Well, I’ve satisfied your intense curiosity about chopsticks, and playing cards, and such, which means I can get back to my favorite topic these days — how to know when you’re getting old.
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A sense of humor makes life easier
This may not be a secret — but I love laughing.
As far as I am concerned, a sense of humor transforms life from something that has to be gotten through grudgingly, just because you happened to be born and have no other choice, into an opportunity for joy, if only for a moment here and there. -
You’ve heard it before, but things are worse
Hey, I’ve been pretty good-natured lately, and it’s a strain on me. Considering my age (very old) and the state of the world (very bad), you must be amazed at my self-control in the last few months. I don’t remember saying anything good about the music or the electronics or the morals of our culture in recent columns — but I have carefully tried not to bash them. Well, not too much.
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History of chopsticks and related subjects
Now there are some big questions in life, like where did we come from, and even bigger questions in life, like where are we going? Today, however, I prefer to talk about chopsticks.
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Wondering? Here’s how cards began
Just in the last few years, I have become quite the cardplayer .My father would be amazed, because he would not allow me or my brothers to play cards (with the regular cardfaces) when we were growing up. We were, however, allowed to play other games that had cards of their own, like Touring and Flinch.
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By now, we should know all the answers
Here I had expected that, by the time I reached this advanced age, I would know all the answers there were to know, or maybe even more. But apparently it was not to be, for, lo and behold, I seem to have still more questions lining up, like all those thousands of blackbirds on the lines in front of the M&T Bank on Industrial Boulevard.
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Here are a few laughs to start the new year
Nothing’s better to start out a new year with than jokes! Even if they are other people’s jokes. And some of these are not so much laugh out loud, as just wry observations on the world. But then that’s what the best humor is often about!
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Ordinary things can be the most amazing
