Cumberland Times-News

Jim Goldsworthy - Anything and Everything

March 6, 2010

If they’re acting weird, it might not be an act

CUMBERLAND — Last week, I mentioned the collection of things I have pinned to my cubicle walls in Dilbertville, so I thought I would tell you about some of them.

One is a digitally altered photo of the four protagonists in “Wizard of Oz.” Sarah Palin is Dorothy, Barack Obama is The Tin Man, John McCain is The Scarecrow and Joe Biden is The Cowardly Lion. Sara/Dorothy is saying, “Toto, I’ve a feeling we’re not in Alaska any more.”

I like this photo because most folks like you and me have no more understanding of what happens in Washington than Dorothy did of what was going on in Oz.

The last time I was in Washington (on a bus trip; I refuse to drive a car there), we visited the Capitol Building.

Munchkins were running around everywhere — men and women in black business suits, all of them carrying briefcases and laptops and in a hurry to get someplace.

They probably felt they were important, and the only visible difference between the men and women was that some wore slacks and others wore sheath skirts.

Also on my walls:

• A road sign that’s been changed to read “Maryland Welcomes You. Bring your wallet. Because we can’t manage your money, we’re gonna take yours!”

• A photo of John Wayne standing with his hands on his hips in front of an enormous American flag. The Duke is wearing his cowboy outfit, there’s a pistol stuck into his waistband, and he’s saying, “Now just why in the HELL do I have to press ‘1’ for English?”

• A drawing of South Park’s Eric Cartman, with his eyes scrunched up in anger and his fists clenched, saying “(four-word Anglo-saxonism).”

• A Hooters 2010 Calendar that contains the photos of 12 different owls.

• A photo of several men standing on the dock of a sailboat. The boat’s name, painted on the side of its bow, is “Screaming Woman.” The caption reads, “Why he’s on the water in the first place.”

• A photo of an old-time newspaperman in a fedora hat, long-sleeved white shirt, tie and vest, with his feet propped up on his desk. A cigar is clenched in one side of his mouth, and he is snarling “NO” into the telephone.

• Photos of the battleship USS West Virginia in her pre-World War II configuration, and the armored cruiser USS West Virginia, circa 1899.

• A list of words to live by:

“When you have to shoot, shoot. Don’t talk.” Tuco Benedicto Pacifico Juan Maria Ramirez.

“What was, was. What is, is ... and what is, is what’s happenin’ right now.” Paul Teutul Sr.

“Women talk about nothing. Men think about nothing.” Arlo, of Arlo and Janis.

“Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn’t have to do it himself.” Unknown.

“I cannot and I will not recant anything, for to go against conscience is neither right nor safe.” Martin Luther.

“Luther is a drunken German. He will feel different when he is sober.” Attributed to Pope Leo.

“America lives in the heart of every man everywhere who wishes to find a region where he will be free to work out his destiny as he chooses.” Woodrow Wilson.

• A photo of me at my desk, petting one of my grandpuppies, a cocker spaniel named “Puddles.” (You don’t have to ask why she’s called that, do you?)

• A caricature of a dog who’s saying, “Watch out for people who act weird — they may not be acting.”

• A Beetle Bailey comic strip showing Gen. Amos Halftrack in his outer office, telling Miss Buxley and Private Blips, “This office is a mess!” Miss Buxley replies, “We’ll clean it up right away, sir.” Halftrack tells her, “Forget it. It makes it look like we actually DO something around here.” (Anybody who has seen the clutter that surrounds my computer should understand why I appreciate this one.)

• Three photos of soldiers that were given to me by a lady who used to work at the newspaper. One is sitting on his pack, writing in a notebook. He was the lady’s cousin, and he was killed in action in Vietnam. The second photo is that of her father, who served in the Merchant Marine during World War II, then joined the Army in an airborne unit after the war ended. The third is that of her daughter who served in Iraq, then came home to marry a man she’d met in the Army.

• Virtual rubbings from the Vietnam Veterans Memorial that bear the names of James Gilbert Bosley, Craig Ward Haines, Samuel Gilmore Umstot, Richard Ellsworth Vincent and Calvin Coolidge Cooke Jr. Bosley, Haines and Umstot went to Keyser High School, like I did (Umstot eventually graduated from Fort Ashby), and died in Vietnam — as did Vincent, who was my former co-worker’s cousin. Cooke was Missing In Action in Vietnam for 30 years until his body was identified and returned to Arlington National Cemetery for services and interment, which some friends I attended.

There’s more, but they can wait for another time.

I have a number of photos that I used to rotate as screensavers for my computer, but the one that’s remained in place for at least a year now was e-mailed to me by several of my friends.

It shows the back of a heavy-set, middle-aged man in a ballcap who could be any one of a dozen guys I know. He’s wearing a leather vest that says, “Freedom Isn’t Free. Somebody Paid,” and is looking out over a graveyard.

Somebody once asked me why I use that as a screensaver. I pretended I didn’t hear him and went on doing what I was doing.

If you’ve been visiting me here with any regularity on Sundays over the last 30 years or so — or even if this is your first time — you should be able to figure out why it’s there.

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Jim Goldsworthy - Anything and Everything
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