You’d better eat it, even if it kills you

Jim Goldsworthy, Columnist

We occasionally receive news reports about researchers whose studies produce findings that should come as no surprise to any reasonably intelligent person.

For example: The Associated Press reported recently that researchers from Stanford and Northwestern universities have determined that men are less likely to behave rationally with regard to their money when they have fallen under the influence of attractive women.

Noooo fooling, Sherlock.

Why did you think casinos are saturated with robust young women in skimpy garments who walk around carrying trays full of booze?

And why do you suppose they choose the pick of the above litter to dump baskets of cash onto the table in front of the last two survivors in the TV poker tournaments? Hmm?

Is it for entertainment purposes only? Hell, no. They do it because it works!

This is clinical information that disgraced former N.Y. Gov. Eliot Spitzer might have found useful.

When I first heard about Spitzer’s escapades, I wondered, “What does $80,000 worth of that look like, anyway?” The answer, when we saw her on TV and the Internet, was almost disappointing. (The most charming part of this episode came when the new governor and his wife held a news conference to announce that they had both been unfaithful and were speaking up mutually to forestall the possibility of being blackmailed.)

Based on what the researchers said, it’s possible that Spitzer couldn’t have helped himself. (Yes, I agree with you, he’s a jerk. But bear with me. We’re discussing a scientific phenomenon.)

Their studies indicated that young men who see erotic pictures are more likely to make large financial gambles because the process of evolution has caused human males to develop a link between sex and greed.

In other words, men are driven by instinct to find women who will join them in the process by which the race perpetuates itself. Instinct also tells them they need money and other resources to attract these women. (Hugh Hefner didn’t recruit all of those little sweetiepies with flattery alone, you know.)

The researchers were unable to determine if the money/sex phenomenon also affects women because women don’t react to erotic pictures the way men do.

A photo of an attractive, scantily-clad woman — just about any attractive, scantily-clad woman — will stop the average man in his tracks and momentarily halt work at any male-dominated job site. Women are considerably more selective and less demonstrative about what appeals to them.

One of the things I remember from an advertising class in college journalism school is that irritation and sex can sell a product like nothing else does ... better even than humor. That’s because nothing else gets your attention faster and holds it longer than irritation and sex (particularly if they are used together).

If an advertisement irritates you, that’s by design and not some ad exec’s incompetence.

The idea is that by the time you get to the store, you won’t remember the aggravation, but the product will stick in your mind — even if you don’t know why — and you’ll buy it.

And although I can’t afford to buy a Mercury Mariner, the pretty girl who peddles them with energetic, high-heeled cheerfulness in the TV commercials would have no trouble enlisting me for a smaller and more reasonable financial undertaking, like taking her to dinner. Howie Long trying to sell me a truck just doesn’t have the same impact.

The other thing I remember from the advertising class is that the only reason people advertise is because they think they have to. (Consider that for a moment. Doesn’t it make perfect sense?)

Similarly, many factors can motivate a man to spend money on a woman, but the only reason he does it is because he thinks it’s a really good idea.

If asked, most men would probably claim they have spent far more money on women than women have spent on them.

I can go through my old checkbooks and tell by looking at the account balance whether I had a girlfriend at the time — but that’s a deceiving indicator. Most of it was money well-spent.

Besides, some women have spent plenty of money feeding me or buying me clothes, books and other things. Most did it because they wanted to. The average woman might tell you that finding, cultivating and keeping a man can be an expensive proposition and requires considerable time and effort.

The ideal motivation for such beneficence is one in which two folks care for each other and feel like doing something nice. Winning points doesn’t enter into it.

If a woman is motivated to spend the time, expense and effort of cooking dinner for a man, that involves more than just money and is a good sign she likes him and thinks he has potential. He damn well better appreciate it, too.

A former girlfriend once cooked me an incredibly delicious meal of pot roast and every conceivable side dish. By the time I was done eating, I felt like an elephant seal wallowing around on the beach.

A few days later, she and I and some friends went to a fancy restaurant. When the waitress said they had cherry cheesecake for dessert, I said “I’m pretty full, but I love cherry cheesecake. That’s what I’ll have.”

My girlfriend looked at me with two of the blankest eyes I’ve ever seen and said, “Last week, you told me you were too full to eat any of the cherry cheesecake that I baked for you myself from scratch.”

And that brings us to what might be a man’s strongest motivation to spend money on a woman:

Penance.