Last week I had occasion to visit a local funeral home to offer condolences on the death of a man who had been one of a gaggle of teenage basketball players when our family moved into the house on Park Avenue.
My son, who went with me, and the deceased's brothers had a fine time reminiscing and I came away thinking about how much funeral practices - and my attitudes toward them! - have changed in the last half century.
Coming from Philadelphia, I was not prepared for Frostburg's funeral conventions. In my experience, Catholics held wakes when someone died, but Protestant funerals often took place in homes where there was no room for receiving non-family members.
Viewing, except for a brief period before the service, was frowned upon, and the ladies of the church were not called on to provide a post-service luncheon for all who cared to remain.
For me, the worst part of all was the idea of holding a conversation with the widow as she stood next to the open casket of her husband; that seemed positively ghoulish!
But I don't feel that way any more. I've come to see the visitation as a blessing to the bereaved family, bridging that awkward period when they can do no more for the beloved one, but are not quite free to begin another routine.
Funerals, like weddings, are occasions that bring families together. They come long distances, not so much to say good-bye to a relative as to reconnect with brothers and sisters, cousins and in-laws who have little chance to get to know each other. In an era in which families are more fractionated than ever before, funerals are important.
Funerals are no longer the beginning of an extended period of mourning as they were a century or so ago. For a few days, men and boys wore black armbands; little girls had black ribbons on their braids instead of their usual pink bows; a big black wreath was hung on the front door.
But for a widow, mourning extended for six months, or a year, or, in the case of Queen Victoria, for 40 years after the death of her husband.
A widow was dressed all in black, and for the funeral her head and face were covered by a heavy black veil. As long as she was in mourning she had no social life - no dinner parties, theaters, or holiday excursions. Finally her all-black was lightened with grey or purple, which finally faded into lilac and let her rejoin society.
Now our widows dress in every color of the rainbow, and their friends encourage them to participate in everything that goes on in the community - social, civic, educational, or just plain fun.
Funeral services, too, have changed. They used to begin with a lugubrious hymn, never sung on any other occasion, and moved on to an uneasy sermon.
Some preachers used the opportunity for a lengthy definition of death as the wages for sin. Others praised the deceased in terms that made the family wonder whether it was really Grandpa in the casket before them. And through it all the widow sobbed noisily beneath her heavy veil.
In recent years funerals have become a celebration of the life of the one we have lost. Family and friends are invited to share their memories. Sometimes these are reports on the individual's unique achievements, but more often they are anecdotes about the funny things that happened on the way to Main Street. The laughter brings the person back to us as no tears can.
Nowadays, when I come away from a funeral home, I am not dabbing my eyes with a black-bordered handkerchief. Instead, I am giving thanks for the opportunity to have known the individual lying there, and the family and friends associated with him.
No matter how few and trivial my contact with them, those encounters have enriched my life. - Yes, funerals have changed over the years - and so have I.
Betty VanNewkirk is the historian for the Frostburg Museum.
Betty Van NewKirk - From the Museum
May 22, 2008
Funerals have changed a lot over the years
- Betty Van NewKirk - From the Museum
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Happy 200th to St. Paul's Lutheran congregation
Today is the 200th birthday of the Lutheran congregation in Frostburg!
On Aug. 14, 1808, 24 people joined in a communion service in the New Church, a log structure on the edge of what is now called the Prichard Farm. - Quality, attitude of people make 'Burg special A note in the newspaper a week or so ago mentioned that Oprah Winfrey was looking for "the best small towns in America.'' Frostburg is the best one I know of - but unfortunately Oprah asked for photos or videos supporting the nomination.
- There's always something new under the sun! The popular press has been devoting a good bit of space in recent weeks to the new swimsuit, introduced by Speedo, which supposedly has contributed to the record-breaking times posted in the Olympic tryouts.
- Ward and his mansion stand proud in 'Burg I've had questions recently - not for the first time! - about William Ward and the house he built at 73 W. Main St. here in Frostburg.
- July 4th: Finding our beliefs Independence Day, like Christmas, is one of the few national holidays that has not been moved to Monday, to provide a four-day break for working people. It holds its own as the Fourth of July.
- Berry-picking brings back many memories Last week I went to Wiley Ford to pick strawberries. I came home with enough for several packets of frozen berries, for three jars of strawberry jam, generous spoonfuls of fruit on my breakfast cereal and shortcake with real whipped cream.
- Ambulance service has key community role The Frostburg Area Ambulance Service is currently asking for our help in raising money for the protective clothing that new government regulations require.
- Planet continues to change; Big One on horizon? In a year that is not yet half over, 2008 has already written itself into the record books for extremes of hot and cold, rain and drought, tornadoes and floods and earthquakes. Our planet Earth has been in a constant state of change.
- In tennis, individuals face each other as equals I'm not a sports person, but I like to watch tennis. During the three big summer tournaments - Paris, London and New York, played on three different surfaces - my TV is on, and I check the newspaper for details that I have missed.
- Arts are obviously alive in Allegany County Last week I had the pleasure of attending the spring concert of the Allegany Community Symphony Orchestra. The program was free, and nicely varied, and the instrumentalists were competent.
- More Betty Van NewKirk - From the Museum Headlines
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Happy 200th to St. Paul's Lutheran congregation
Today is the 200th birthday of the Lutheran congregation in Frostburg!
